Turn and Face the Strange Changes

If you’re ever feeling bad about something, all it takes is a little perspective to change you. Growth and maturity are direct results of new experiences. I’ve managed to watch myself grow in profound ways within the last few years, which started with a break in the norm in 2005. I often wonder what would have happened to me had things gone differently…

Had someone come to me five years ago to tell me that in the future I would be living in Brooklyn, I would not have believed them. Had they told me that music would still be a big part of my life, I would begin to listen. And when they told me I would still be single after going through three more terrible breakups, I would hate them in disbelief.

Being alone is a fear of mine, but it seems that I live within that realm all the time. Perhaps everything I do is to test myself and to make me stronger as an individual, who is, and will always be alone.

I often find myself thinking of those barren roads in France; alone in a foreign country with nothing but a few belongings and a will to get to my destination. The land patterns, in shades of green and brown, kept my eyes in shape. The emptiness of audible civilization calmed my mind. In one stretch, surrounded by pastures, I didn’t see another soul for hours. Nobody was there to push me in the cold rain, but myself. I wonder why people do such things as this; I then remember that these are the things that make one stronger. I won’t bother mentioning the quote which everyone knows about. I also won’t hide the fact that on some of those cold, wet days I just felt like rolling over and giving up. But I didn’t.

Once, after day in the life of a 16 year old, I joined an older friend on the track to see if I could run a mile. I wanted to stop after a few laps. My lungs felt helpless, my legs of jello, and the side pains were unbearable. When I began to slow and give up, my friend got behind me and said I would get kicked if I stopped. As a result of his brutal tactics, I only stopped after I completed the mile. At that point in my life, I realized something about the relation of the mind and its body. The mind is stronger than anything, and is always capable of pushing your body further than expected. From then on, I never had a problem running a mile… or several. This is how I managed to cycle from 8am to midnight on that wretched journey from Brussels to Rotterdam. A solipsist like me… I’m grateful for having such a discovery.

This step was crucial in finding myself, and in becoming who I have become.

Every choice, every decision, every discovery, every step: a definitive moment in one’s life.

One of the most definitive decisions I ever made involved a party at an apartment in Knoxville, about seven years ago. At this point in my life, I was in a relationship, but had decided to move to Arizona with Justin for a recording school. From there, our plan was to move to Los Angeles and continue our music endeavors. This all changed in one night… along with a multitude of other scenarios that could have come true for not only me, but for Justin.

I had planned to attend the party alone, but on the day of, I decided to call up Justin. He joined me on this excursion, where we met a peculiar young lady. She spent the night singing French songs and speaking in an English accent. She was poised, and had mesmerized us both… but I’m not sure if it was her, our naïve youth, or the alcohol that made us into such fools. Regardless, she left her number in my backpack before leaving. The next morning, on a miserable ride home, I told Justin to take the number, because I had a girlfriend… and it was just what he needed.

This chain of actions changed both of our lives forever. But if I try hard enough, I’m sure I could come up with a definitive action that changed everything on any given day of my life. Some of these moments are easier to explain as being so defining, for example, the former.

The point of this story is to not to say we need to think every detail through… what happens has happened already, is happening, and will happen again. The point is that we should live for the moments, live in them, live with them…. And looking back is only meaningful in retrospect… something we all learn from.

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." Ghandi